Professor John Wolff
English Composition 1
18 September 2017
The Empty Man
Beep… Beep… Beep, a noise penetrated my ears whispering softly. I slowly opened my sealed shut eyes. My head was throbbing, and my whole body ached with a numbing pain like someone had spent hours hammering 5 inch long nails into my body. I blinked slowly looking around a blurry white room. All I can remember is absolute blackness a void in my life that will never come back to me. As I peered around the room I saw a shiny metal sink with medical tools scattered around it and a statued structure of a brain. I could very faintly smell rubber. As I glimpsed down my nose. A skinny clear tube was protruding out of my nostrils. Both of my arms had what seemed to be I.V.’s sticking out of them. My hearing came to me in what felt like hours. An array of noises around the room consisted of beeping and shouting. I turned to my right and saw my mom wearing her violet work shirt, and her black work pants, her hands were covering her face almost like she was crying, so all I could see was her shiny brown hair. I opened my mouth with what felt like my entire body’s strength and managed to mumble, “what happened” and then quickly slipped back into eternal darkness.
I was stepping out of my mom’s shiny black Buick with wonder in my eyes. Everything was painted so vividly. The new buildings were popping at me with their red bricks and white sides. Everything was standing so perfectly still. The grass was calling to me with its perfectly trimmed edges and the sight of smirking college kids scurrying around, beaming about their new adventures, was almost overwhelming. I grabbed my big blue suitcase stumbling slightly as I tried to walk. Burgers and hotdogs were dancing through the air coming from the grill. Bum bum bum I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I walked to the building, everything seemed so flawless. Maybe it all seemed so good because of the drugs I was on.
Although I was in college, something that was a huge goal for me. I felt empty deep down inside. It was the same feeling I’ve always felt. I wanted something, but I couldn’t figure out what. So all I could feel was emptiness. I dreamed of college parties and adventures, thinking it would fill the hole in my heart. I started taking more drugs than ever before thinking they would fill the emptiness, but instead, it only dragged me further behind. I didn’t know how to handle my time or stress. I was making friends, but I felt lonely. I went out to parties, just to come home more distraught than before. I thought living on my own would be a fun experience. It turned out more destructive than I could’ve imagined.
I heard a loud and obnoxious knock at my front door. As I looked out my window. The sky was crying a soft sprinkle of rain . The dark clouds that covered the campus matched the emptiness I felt. Everything looked so bleak, unlike when I first arrived. I walked across my apartment with slouched shoulders. Opening my thick wooden door, chills went down my spine. My eyes sprung open and Nervousness swept through my body. Two cops were patrolling my doorway. A fierce blonde haired lady quickly stuck her foot in my doorway and glared deep into my eyes. All I could see was a fire burning in her bright blue eyes. Next to her was a goofy looking Mexican with a beer belly and a stupid grin on his face, looking down at me. The two searched my apartment and confiscated my weed. They left me with a court order, telling me everything will be fine. That I’ll only get probation. I watched them, with a cold stare, walk away. I was already on probation.
Turmoil and confusion filled my mind, my thoughts were scattered. The night before my court date I was up late drinking and popping Xanax. I couldn’t sleep my mind was racing I just sat in my room alone staring at the citation.
Beep Beep, I slapped my alarm clock off and rolled out of bed. My head was pulsating inside my skull and my whole body ached. I plodded over to my desk and grabbed a Xanax pill and swallowed it in one gulp. I was heading off to court with my joint behind my ear. When I reached the courthouse I lit it up.
My head was throbbing as I opened my eyes. The stench of piss was surrounding me. I stared up at a white cement ceiling, everything was hazy. I quickly sat up and looked around me I was in a bright white and blue room with a large green metal door. I looked through the dirty window and saw guards walking around. They were sneering at me with contempt. I looked around and I was alone like usual. Self-loathing filled my entire body.
After 30 days my cousin lawyer got me out of jail. Pure white snow fell as I walked out of jail. It was winter break at the university. I spent the holiday carefully avoiding the impulse to use.
Even though I was getting clean, I felt more lost than ever. Bags formed under my eyes. Society seemed to be in a different dimension. One I couldn’t reach. I glanced around my room with lifeless eyes. Clothes scattered the floor, my grey sheets were crumpled on top of my bed. My desk was a mess of papers, pens, and notebooks. The white walls felt as though they were closing in on me. I glared into a mirror and saw an empty shell of the former me. My hair was a mess, my clothes were wrinkled and sadness was written on my face.
I couldn’t stay away from the drugs. On campus the next day, I scored some Xanax and Molly. I was in my own little made up world. I was so high that I scampered around the school. Everyone looked like monsters. My vision was distorted and I was shaking profusely. I walked into the bathroom stall, and pulled out two more of my Xanax, and tossed them back. I got as far as the lobby when they hit. Everything went black. My body collapsed under the darkness.
My limbs felt tight as I turned in the hospital bed. My vision was cloudy and my temples were pulsating. All around me was medical equipment. A huge curtain was wrapping itself around my corner separating me from the outside world. I tried to sit straight but my body felt like it weighed 1,000 pounds. “Are you okay?” I heard a voice to my left. It was my mom, sitting on the chair next to my hospital bed. “Yeah, I’m fine. What happened?” I asked. My mom’s face was filled with worry, “You overdosed, you almost died!” The words hit me like a rock to the side of my head. I was in pure denial and disbelief. I looked at my mom with complete seriousness and said, “That can’t be true.” She just turned her head out the window. I could see the purple and red lights from the sun setting on the horizon.
I’m a failure that’s all. Every bone in my body felt it. I have to do something to change. “The court called too, you have to show up the day after tomorrow.” My mom said, still looking out the window. My heart was about to pop. Laying back, the hospital walls closed in tight on me and started screaming failure. I shut my eyes wishing everything would go away.
Two months had passed since I overdosed. I was staring out of the small window in my cell. Men dressed in orange jumpsuits were scattered around outside smiling, and joking around, nobody had a care in the world. They were gambling their meals away playing cards and taking their minds off of their problems by watching T.V. and working out. My eyes had become lifeless sitting in the cell I had lost all hope in myself. I only had one goal in my heart, to get out of this hell I trapped myself into. I called my mom and told her to get me into rehab. I need to change my life. Next to me was my roommate vomiting in the toilet from his withdrawal symptoms begging to get out and get high. I Stared coldly at him knowing deep down that’s not where my life was heading. My name got called on the P.A. system, but I already had my stuff packed. I coolly and slowly opened the huge metal door and walked down the stairs with a stern face. People were hooting, and cracking jokes as I walked by. I never turned to look at any as I walked past the last door.
When I arrived at the rehab I was in shock. I looked around me to the most disturbing image ever. Crackheads, and heroin addicts with missing teeth welcomed me into my new home. My stomach churned at the sight of the old rotten wooden house with ominous eye-like windows. My path to life was lost. I was just walking forward into nothing, with nobody next to me. I felt more empty than ever. “Hey, stupid kid!” a deep voice growled behind me. “ You just gonna keep playin’ the game or what?”
“Why does it matter?” I asked back as I shifted my head towards the voice. It was Ronny, the guy who relapsed while in the program. He had a tattoo across his neck saying “THUG LIFE” he was twice my size and had lines of anger wrapped around his face. “So you’re just gonna be like me, huh?” “A fucking gangster? Well you better grow up cause you ain’t gonna be shit. Life’s on you little homie.” His fierce eyes penetrated my soul. I looked at him and my heart sunk. I knew he was right I had to make the stand. It’s up to me to make a difference in my life and nobody was going do it for me. Ronny turned away in his white tank top and baggy jeans, nodding his head slightly, and walked off. I turned the opposite way not knowing how I was going to start.